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October 19, 2010

Absence of Sanity

I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise. The orange hue made the tree tops appear to be silhouettes resembling black construction paper cut-outs one would find in an elementary classroom. There was a quiet peacefulness that promised a fresh new start. But, in my world, promises are never meant to be kept.

The smell of fresh coffee calls to me. The creamy, hot, dark liquid tastes just as good as it smells. I sink into the big blue overstuffed chair and enjoy watching the neighbor dog briskly scamper across the street looking for her BFF to come out and play. Anxious to join her friend, Jade whines to go out. As I open the door for her, I hear Riley make his way to the kitchen. I take a deep breath and feel my muscles stiffen. Reality is upon me. No matter how pretty the sunrise, wonderful the coffee, peaceful the morning – it is just a prelude to insanity.

October 22, 2010

The Plan is Flawed

The Plan

My plan is always to just let him go. Let the alcoholic come to its inevitable final conclusion. He will bleed internally and I will ignore the nosebleeds and weeping scabs on his arms and legs. I will pay no attention to the fact that he eats only spoonfuls of food that have often have been from a 3 week old leftover that has been hidden in the back of the fridge. When he stumbles over his own feet, falls down and loses control of his bladder, I will let him lie in his filth until he figures out for himself how to regain a vertical stance and clean up the mess. Well… that’s the plan…

The Flaw

The First Law of Robotics:  A robot cannot cause the harm of a human or through inaction allow a human to come to harm.

In order to adhere to the plan I can no longer view this alcoholic as a human being or remember that he is the father of my children or a person that I once loved and would lie down my life to protect. I must view this person as one who is not deserving of medical attention and or any attempt at preserving his physical life.

I don’t know how to do what I must do in order to fulfill the plan because to not care about a human life; to not make every attempt at prolonging or saving a life; feels somehow immoral. Although I’m not the epitome of virtue, I just cannot, in essence cause a person’s death by reason of non-action. For some reason, I feel I must adhere to the first law of robotics.

Maybe I’m not really a human, maybe I’m a robot that was built specifically for this alcoholic. Was there something my parents had neglected to tell me??

Friday, October 22, 2010

Life Expectancy

I’m in an unusual situation. My alcoholic has exceeded any reasonable expectation of continued breathing time. He has been through the rehab process 13 times. I’ve been told at least eight times that he will not live another 6 months without detox. Since he refuses to detox and refuses to stop drinking, I anticipate and plan for the end which, unfortunately, always feels as though it would be a blessing. We have even gotten to the place of having hospice involved in his care during his final days. But his final days never arrive. I always end up insisting he go to the emergency room, he detoxs, we are told he won’t make it this time, and he recovers.